Dance on the lawn when it's green & growing back
Long time no talk!
The last year of my life has been tough and beautiful and filled with heartbreak & joy so tangled up that I can’t even believe they could coexist in such a way within me.
Last fall I went through an honestly devastating breakup. It’s an incredibly long story that I’ve run into the ground talking about, but to make that long story short- it was awful and necessary and my heart still grieves it more often than I wish it did. Following closely behind that breakup was the first days of winter and they were pretty much a doozy! Gloomy grey Florida skies and cold weather made the already heavy days feel even heavier. I spent a lot of time alone, a lot of time in prayer, and as any good breakup will do to ya- picked up running because it was the only thing that seemed to quiet my mind when everything felt so confusing and, to put it simply, sad.
Nearly every morning, I’d wake up and go for a run- to the playground up the street I spent countless 7th grade summer nights walking to with all my friends at sunset or to the skatepark downtown where the Lord met me again and again when I was 17, or past my childhood best friend’s home with the swing still hanging from her front-lawn-oak tree. But usually, I’d run through the cemetery 2 blocks over where the grass is green, and the hanging moss casts shadows on the pond when it’s sunny out, and where the air is quiet in a way that feels so hard to find almost anywhere else.
When I was in 3rd grade, we moved into our family home. My parents didn’t tell me we were right up the road from a cemetery until we had already purchased the house because they thought I’d be too scared if I knew any sooner. Instead, for some reason, I always found a lot of peace there. I’d ride my bike through the quiet roads with my siblings or go by myself to sit in the shady trees on a hot day. It was where I learned to drive my first car- a 1993 bronco, and then, a few years later, it was where I learned to drive manual in my little orange VW bus. It was where I’d go on a rough day knowing no one would run into me there and if they did, they wouldn’t think twice if I happened to have tear stained cheeks. That type of thing is normal in a cemetery.
This season of life was no different- everyday I’d do a lap and think, and cry, and talk to the Lord. And every day, I’d walk/ run past the ugliest tree on the lot and wonder why no one had bothered to do anything about it. It was the most beautiful and well kept cemetery I’ve ever been to- and yet, this dead tree stood by itself directly in the middle of it all. In a way it made me angry, how it just sat there, in the midst of the sadness (in my own heart and in the sense of the literal cemetery obviously). But also, as ridiculous as it sounds, I knew there was a certain significance in it being left out in the open the way it was. It couldn’t pretend it was in season, it just wasn't, and there was no hiding it, and I understood.
I always knew, (for a handful of reasons), that if that aforementioned relationship ever were to end, that I would have to get out of town for a bit- but I knew I couldn’t run from my problems either. So I spent the remaining months of 2025 and the beginning of 2026 at home, working and saving and planning. During that time, my trusty orange Xterra gave out on me. I loved that little thing, but after driving it cross-country twice, I was already anticipating its inevitable retirement. For years, I’ve pretty much had a Facebook marketplace tab open on my phone at all times with “van” and “camper” typed into the recent search. Van life had been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, so I’d already had my eye on a 2010 Chevy Express van when the Xterra had its final day. I sold my little orange car and put the money into rebuilding a few things on the van and in March of this year, I set off for Oceanside, California once more.
Since the first time I stepped foot in San Diego, it’s been one of my favorite places in the world. In 2024, I did a discipleship program with an action sports ministry based in Oceanside called Ride Nature. I spent that summer surfing, skating, and serving alongside some of the girls in our “Shred Sisters” women’s ministry. It was truly one of the sweetest times of my life- making friends who shared my hobbies and experiencing a world outside of my hometown for the first time. I was set up with a random roommate who became one of my dearest friends to this day, and grew in the depth of my faith in indescribable ways. I established consistency and routine for one of the first times, and though I was dearly homesick, I seemed to fall more in love with that sweet beach town by the day. So, going back to Oceanside was a no-brainer. I had a community there, I was familiar with the area, and I could easily transfer from my restaurant job in Florida to the location in Carlsbad, one town over. It truly felt like all the stars aligned by God’s hand for me to be able to move out there. One of my most repeated prayers throughout my life is that God would make clear His plan for me through the opening and closing of doors. I don’t know if I’ve ever experienced such a clear answer to that prayer as I witnessed in those moments.
The drive from Clearwater to Oceanside was one that I was pretty familiar with this time around, but this was my first time ever making it alone. It was a bit intimidating but ended up being one of the sweetest experiences of my life. Completely alone, just me and the Lord- it was surreal and nothing like I’d experienced before. (I wrote a whole other blog post about my thoughts during that time & have yet to sit down and edit it but that’s a task for another day). I hit 6 national parks on my journey (racking my tally up to 18), made friends with anyone who was willing to direct me to a good hike or give me directions to the best thrift store in town, and ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner on cliffsides and beside flowing streams of water. It was really beautiful and really hard. Beside the joy that came with finally pursuing life-long dreams, sat the heaviness of what I thought my life would look like during this time instead. I was angry and sad- at myself, at who I thought I’d be experiencing these moments alongside, at God. I felt ungrateful that I was doing everything I ever dreamed of, and yet, I wasn’t content. The grass really is always greener I suppose.
I wish I could say this discontentment passed quickly, but to be totally honest, it still pops up now and again. Sometimes I think about how if things had been different I’d probably be planning a wedding right now, how I wouldn’t feel so far behind in life amongst all of my friends, or that I wouldn’t have the lingering thought of how I have to “restart”. But I will say this: I went back to Florida for a week in May and saw my life and hometown through new eyes. I was hoping this trip home would be refreshing and restful, and in some ways, it was- but in a lot of other ways it was really hard. It was the first time in my life that I had gone looking for comfort and rest within the familiar walls of my childhood bedroom, on my favorite beach in the early morning hours before the rest of the world was awake, and on a couch with all of my closest friends- and didn’t find any relief in any of it. It was the first time I had to fully come to terms with the fact that nothing here on Earth will ever offer me the comfort and peace that Jesus alone will- a truth I know but still often treat as a last resort. Feeling so out of place in the only place I’ve ever fully belonged forced me to acknowledge and submit to the fact that only the Lord is my refuge & strength.
TRULY,
“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.”
Psalm 139:7-12.
Going home was not going to heal me just as being away wouldn’t either. Only the Lord could heal my broken heart and only the Lord could be the strength to carry me until I could walk through it myself.
During my visit back home, I lived my week as though I normally would- waking up, going for a walk, making the same breakfast I have every day, etc. etc. One morning as I walked through the cemetery, I looked to the dying tree that used to irritate me so bad. This time, it was blooming & green once more.
Zach Winters has a song called “the Grass after Winter” which played over my speaker one morning after I had landed back in CA. I was making breakfast at my favorite spot after a concert the night before with some friends. The doors of my van were opened out to the ocean so that the breeze was blowing in, keeping me cool, and I was sipping on a lavender matcha as I multitasked cooking and watching the surf. One of the lyrics says:
“God'll make it right when everything gets going wrong
And we'll wait on him in the morning, wait on the lawn
We'll dance on the lawn when it's green and growing back
From a winter of tears and of breaking my back”
After years of listening to this song and it not having any real relevance to my life, I heard it differently this play. I realized it was the first time that I had a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel- that the lawn was actually growing back. I'm not too foolish to forget that seasons change, but it was the first time that the truth that the Lord was doing something good amongst all of this felt tangible. As grateful as I was to get to live out my dream and be in California, there was always a lingering thought of how it was my plan B. How it was always my backup plan to what I’d really rather be doing instead. But the Lord reminded me on that chance Tuesday morning that I wouldn’t be exactly where I am had everything went “according to plan”. He reminded me that even though that hope of mine was stripped away, He didn’t leave me empty handed. He gave me the chance to do something else I’d always dreamed of instead. He is not a father who takes for the sake of taking. He is working all things together for my good and for His glory. I’ve been shown this again and again since that revelation, and had many reminders of Him doing such a thing all throughout my life. It’s who He is- the redeemer, the restorer.
My life in Oceanside is sweet. I wake up to the waves and make coffee in my van with my friends after we surf in the mornings. The water is warm right now and skies are blue everyday. I get to work with the same ministry that brought me out here in the first place 2 years ago. I got to be a part of helping plan an all girls surf contest at the end of September. I went camping in Big Sur for the first time with some friends. I've taught at Shred Sisters a few times now- on John 15:15 and Matthew 16:25. I got to travel to Scotland with some of my closest girls to help launch a new Shred Sisters chapter out there. There’s a beach right across the street from my work and I take a dip in the ocean before nearly every shift. I've reconnected with old friends in deep, new ways, & I’ve made new friends that I hope to know for all my life! One of my childhood friends actually moved out here shortly after I did, so now we get to do ministry alongside one another- (a crazy chain of events that is just more evidence of the Lord's hand in all of this). I can’t go for a walk without running into someone I know, and people regularly knock on the doors of my van to say hello when I’m parked downtown. I’ve grown and changed but mostly in ways I’m happy about. I love my life and feel like I’m made to live like this- living in a van comes easy to me and feels light and free.
I don’t know what I’m doing next or where I’ll go from here, but I’m seeking the Lord for where He wants me and I feel content to know He hears me and will be on time in His response- as He always is. For now, I will rest assured to know that even though Spring has come and gone, the lawn is green and growing back- ptL!!!!!!!
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