I turned 20 a few months ago which means I feel like an actual adult now. With that, feels an implied sense of deeper responsibility which has led me to a deeper understanding of the greatest responsibility that I’ve ever been assigned (one which I’ve been avoiding for my own selfish reasons- pride, shame, fear) which is sharing the good news of what Jesus has done for me.

 I’ve always hated it when people would ask about my testimony. It still feels so recent and admitting who I was only 2 years ago is humbling and embarrassing. I never quite got to the point of feeling comfortable when the topic came up. But the reality is- Jesus saved me from every mistake I’ve ever made and has made me 100% brand new- an opportunity that every one of us has if we choose to surrender to Him. 

What Jesus has done in my life is such a testimony to the kindness, compassion, and truly loving heart that He carries. Nothing in my life would be the same had I not been touched by His hand of grace. 

I grew up in the church with parents and influences who were strong believers. I had Christian friends who I’d grown up alongside and believed in God practically since I was born. But when I reached middle school- an age where most begin formulating their own opinions and beliefs outside of their parents', my faith began to waver. This faith questioning only grew as I reached high school. I would still call myself a Christian, but I was far from living like one. I ended up becoming friends with a group of guys a few years older than me- I think there are typically some assumed consequences as I describe my 14-year-old self strictly hanging out with 18/19-year-old guys- one being the fact that I was very easily influenced to partake in what the majority around me was doing. As a 14/ 15-year-old, I never stopped to question what these older guys might’ve seen in me to make me worthy of spending so much time with, or what we possibly had in common- being liked and appearing cool is the most important thing when you’re fifteen. I started smoking and drinking and with time, these habits only became more prominent in my life. 

In many ways, I was living a double life. The Christian friends who I grew up with, and my friends from school who were very much the opposite had split custody of me. I hid the way I was living from my friends who loved the Lord. 

In late 2020, I fell into a relationship with one of my closest friends from my non-Christian group. We’d known each other for a few years and at some point, caught feelings for one another. 

As it usually goes, the more time you spend with someone, the more you see their flaws. For as long as I’d known him, I was aware that he sold and had somewhat of a problem with drugs and substance abuse, but as time went on, it became more and more apparent how deep this addiction ran. He was in more ways than one, the most reckless person I knew… and I was obsessed with it. All I wanted was to be reckless alongside him. We became deeply and unhealthily obsessed with each other which only increased as we indulged in different drugs together. Because he sold, I had access to anything I wanted to try at any point in time... and like any “good boyfriend”, he would never let me do anything alone. We were holding hands while actively pushing each other towards our own demise. Weekends were spent in hotel rooms with all our friends tripping on something stupid or hiding away in the darkness of someone’s bedroom sipping our time away in the name of “fun”. Date night always implied we were going to stop at some rando’s house on the way to make a quick buck before dinner, and living in fear became normal for me. 

During this same period, we had begun spending a lot of time at the skatepark up the street from my house. He was good and I was learning. One night, we stumbled upon a skate ministry called “Restore” who also happened to meet at that park. Every Tuesday they’d have an event they called “Feed the Homies” that involved bringing dinner to the park and fellowshipping/ skating with anyone who showed up. We marked our calendars, and it became part of our weekly routine. Everyone was welcoming and I quickly made friends with nearly everyone at the park. One week, I invited a girl named Emma to join us. She was a mutual friend through a church group of mine and we hit it off almost immediately. With that, she became yet another person that I had to hide the way that I was living from.

My relationship with my boyfriend had a rose-colored lens over it. It sounds like a stupid excuse, and honestly, it is, but truly I was so naïve and wrapped up in the way that I was living, that I’d managed to convince myself nothing was wrong with any of it. I was unable to see clearly. One night, as we arrived home from my family’s yearly camping trip, my boyfriend and I had planned to each go home and shower before reconnecting at the skatepark that night. We were only apart for a little over an hour when I received a text from him letting me know that he was being arrested. My heart dropped. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know who to talk to. I was too embarrassed to tell any of my Christian friends and I didn’t have anyone else who I could confide in either. This was the start of feeling immensely alone.

Although that situation deeply affected me, it didn’t prompt me to end the relationship. It did, however, bring to light a new fear for me- one that for at least a year after we broke up, caused me to loop back around anytime I saw an ambulance or police car- just to double-check that he wasn’t part of the scene in any way. It was from this point on that I began to feel fear in the every-day. Some nights, he would call me to keep him company as he drunk drove himself to Tampa to party or text me to let me know whatever combination of drugs he had decided to take that day and then proceed to ignore my fearful follow-up texts and calls, making sure he hadn’t passed out, or worse. Even then, I didn’t see any problem with the way we were living and generally viewed our relationship in a positive light. I was good at convincing myself that the things that were wrong weren’t really a big deal and that being scared constantly was a normal way to feel in a relationship. 

One night, like so many times before, he rented a hotel room for the night for us and our friends to hang around in. We got there before the rest of our group, so we decided to each take a few tabs while we waited. Shortly after everything started to kick in, he began saying and doing things that were scaring me. It was the very first moment in our relationship that it felt like the rose-colored lenses were fully gone, the first time I was able to see 100% clearly. I don’t know how to explain it other than that God opened my eyes at that moment. It was right then that I knew that I needed to break up with him- I had no question. Unfortunately, he had driven us to the hotel so I didn’t have a car, and even if I did, I couldn’t even see straight, much less operate a vehicle. I was unintentionally trapped, so ending things at that moment wasn't an option. There wasn’t much I could do at that point except sit there and pretend to be okay with what was happening around me for the time being. After the high started to wear off, I asked him to drive me home-where I spent the night running in circles in my brain. I felt like I had no idea who he was, I kept thinking of how I felt in the hotel room- like someone opened the blinds for me to understand who he truly was. It was like a switch flipped and my entire perspective of him changed. It was such a confusing feeling that I still can’t grasp enough to put into words- how you can go from completely adoring someone to never wanting to look at them again in just a moment's time. I was so clueless for so long and it felt like everything was crashing down at once. 

It must’ve been a week or so later when I finally worked up the strength to end things. And as I’m sure you can imagine- it didn’t go great. It was an incredibly messy breakup that led to me having to cut all ties with any mutual friends we shared. For months after we broke up, I would see him everywhere- he knew my weekly routines and made sure to make an appearance any chance he got. I learned to be conscious of how visible my car was from the street wherever I parked and to not post a photo on social media until I had already left the location. 

I started spending every day at a park that my dad used to bring us to as kids that we nicknamed “The Cliffs”. It felt like the only place that I could go that he wouldn’t also show up. Weeks turned into months and without fail, this little spot hidden in a neighborhood in Belleair, with its oak branches hanging over the ocean and seashell-lined shores, remained such a refuge for me. One day, as I was watching the waves crash, it hit me to set up a mailbox for people to write letters in. I’d spent countless hours there reading, praying, and writing and it only made sense that others might come to this spot to do the same. I swung into Lowes to pick up a brand-new box and spent the evening fastening it to the perfect tree and writing letters in the notebook I’d placed inside. I’ll save that story for another day because I’m certain that if you’re reading this blog, you’ve probably already heard it once or twice, but to make a long story short- that was the beginning of “Love Letters” which has since become such a huge part of my life and been the root of so many amazing opportunities and connections. This project that stemmed from heartbreak a few years ago has turned into something so beautiful that has created such joy- and that’s just one example of how this difficult period of my life was used for good. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11- He has made everything beautiful in its time.

In a way, it felt like my entire life was uprooted and I was forced to restart. I had just lost my boyfriend, my friend group, and so much more in just a few weeks. It was the loneliest I’ve ever felt, but looking back, it was truly such a blessing. I never would’ve cut those ties with my old friends had I not been forced to. I had no choice other than to fall into my group of Christian friends instead. They didn’t care that I had been distant for so long- they welcomed me with open arms and filled my life with encouragement and love. I started attending the skate church run by Restore every Sunday and leaning heavily onto Ethan, Emma, and another friend that Emma had introduced me to named Dani. We started a Bible study together that alongside Skate church, pushed me deeper into an understanding of the Lord. 

For a while, I still struggled with substance abuse. It had been a coping mechanism for me when life got hard… and life was feeling harder than ever. But as I grew in Godly friendship and my relationship with the Lord, that desire became less and less. At some point, I realized I was no longer just sober due to the lack of accessibility, but instead, because I wanted to be. I realized the distance I felt from God when I took part in things that weren’t glorifying Him, and it wasn’t distance created by Him. It was my own works that were driving me further from Him. How could I intentionally create distance from the truest form of Love I’d ever known? One day it just clicked.

 I’ve been 100% sober from everything for a year now and in June of this year, I decided to finally get re-baptized. So often I feel guilty for the things I’ve done and the mistakes I made when I was younger, but the truth is- I have no reason to. I’m made new. Jesus washed me clean, forgave my sin, and loved me even despite it. He brought me out of the darkness and into His light and love. He gave me a hope and a future. He provided peace and comfort when it felt so far off. He made a way for my brokenness to become whole. I owe everything to Him. I wish I could put it into words in a way that captures His majesty as much as He deserves, but I’ll never be able to. I no longer want to feel shame for who I used to be because I know my transformation brings God glory and He deserves it all. 

I once read a quote that said something along the lines of “Those drugs don’t love you and neither do the people feeding them to you” which sounds harsh or at least that’s what I thought when I read it for the first time a few years ago, but regardless, it stuck with me. As I think back on when I first heard it, I’m a little bit sad at how quick I was to deny it as the truth. I deeply believed that the people I surrounded myself with loved me and wanted the best for me. Now, knowing what deep and true friendship looks like, I understand how that couldn’t be further from reality. The people that God has placed in my life since becoming a Christian, love me in a way that is so real. They hold me accountable, they look out for me, they encourage me, they make me laugh, they feel joy in seeing me succeed and stand alongside me through sorrow and gladness. I’ve never known friendship the way that I do now. 

He truly took every bit of brokenness from my life and not only removed it but replaced it with something a million times better.

The friends I lost were replaced with the greatest friends I’ve ever known.

Leaving my relationship was what led me to start Love Letters Mailbox- my little project that would eventually turn into my own business and such an important part of my life. 

I found a new hobby in skating and now have a leadership role in Restore.

I know what true joy is and no longer have to look to substances for my comfort or peace.

I have a hope and confidence about the future.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  1 Peter 5:10

The Bible says that humans will never seek Jesus on their own. That means that if you’ve ever felt even the slightest pull to want to know more about God, it was the Holy Spirit tugging on your heart. God’s goodness is running after you and all you have to do is reach out and accept His love & grace. If you ever want to talk more on this topic or be prayed for, please reach out! Jesus saved my life and I know He can and will do the same again and again.